Oh dear.

So I suck at updating this. Boo.

A Translitic

Fate of My Love

Strange and penetrating seas
hold the key in her breast
a foil nest worth remembering.

Can she understand me, my transparent cure?
For she soothes, alas! My debt and demands
she soothes, straight and refreshing.

Does the Blonde Rose brood?
Sun-numb, she carries honor,
her aim towards Life in Exile.

No regard to peril, her voice,
contained, calm, grave,
holds the inflection of the
cherished voices of saints.

A Found Poem

tuesday, september 9th

Odds are good
you'll be wrangling
inappropriate quantities, or
finding yourself cooking
dinner for four
with half a bag of
carrot sticks and a
jar of mustard.

All you can do is your best.

My Poor Atempt at a Sonnet

Silly Games

I never quite understood the way
you bit your lip while smoking your cigarettes,
or how your loving tongue would play
on each and every last of my regrets.
I often sat alone and wept on nights
your outline traced our blankets and sheets
while fresh in my mind were our fights,
your gorgeous smile through my painful defeats.
She called again last week. I would have sworn
her voice whispered your name before the click
of the dial tone leapt at my ear. My scorn
you ignored while you thought you were slick.
Women may pretend, but always know the truth.
While men may play games, actions lie as proof.

A List Poem

Things I've Lost

I lost a library book once in the third grade: I remember
scrambling on hands and knees, searching behind my
hamster's dirty cage after tearing through our dusty attic,
praying for a miracle.

I lost my dear stuffed rabbit at the mall
cried and screamed until my mother, sick with panic,
found it tattered as I'd left it in the women's dressing room.

I lost my brother's favorite mitt, purposely (of course) -
until he threatened to break my face.

I lost my first boyfriend when he
didn't come back for the second grade.
I can't remember missing him.

I lost my mother's car keys, and spent hours
convincing her to stay home while I subtly
upset dirty clothes and checked through dresser drawers.

I lost your name yesterday, when you fought through crowds
at the grocery store just to say hello. Our suffering
through awkward stops and starts seemed
punishment for kindness.

I lost the chance to be "Daddy's girl," thanks in part
to a few too many beers, a couple crisply
rolled joints, and something he likes to call
his "disease."


*Note: Each 2nd, 3rd, 4th, line should be indented. I hate html.

The Gray Side of Life

Gray mornings wordlessly collapse
into faded blue sunsets
that unfold unnoticed.

A stream of endless days and
worn out bodies begging for
something worth dying for.

While sunken eyes trace
soft midsections and slowly
disappearing Prozac prescriptions.

Distant yesterdays scream of hollow
tomorrows, slightly cracked smiles, and
faces carved with the worries of
lives not fully lived.

Wow.

Holy crap.

So, I have no good explanation as to why I seem to have fallen off the face of the planet. None at all. Granted, the summer was a bit ridiculous. I was working about 35-40 hours a week, on top of being in a musical. However! Not a good excuse to neglect my writing. Which, I'll freely admit, I did a good job of this summer. But I am back! And I'm going to attempt to make these promises to myself:

1.) To update this blog AT LEAST once a week. I'm currently in two creative writing classes (one poetry, one fiction), so I have no shortage of material.

2.) To revise more of my work, and to post those revisions for the world to see. Revising is not one of my strong points, as I seem to be of the mindset that everything I write is perfect the first time around. (ha.)

That being said, to follow are some of the things I have been working on!

~Caitlin

So This Is How I "Study"

Wow. I'm nearly done with my sophomore year of college now, and as finals are swiftly approaching, I'm doing everything in my power to avoid studying for them. As of this moment, I'm not going to delve into my reflections on the entire year, but I will get a few things off of my chest.

While I've had several disappointments this semester, things have begun to turn around. I'll be up here in Mt. Pleasant for several more weeks working as a facilitator at Leadership Camp, and I'm really excited about it.

As I write, "I'll Follow You Into The Dark" decides to start playing. This song never fails to make me sad. I've been going through a lot of emotional ups and downs lately, just after I thought I was finally getting better. I've been confused a lot lately - about what I want, about what I don't want, hell, I've even been confused about what I'm confused about. I'm hurting those closest to me, and I don't know how to stop it. I feel like I'm losing control, and I don't know how to stop it. At the risk of sounding entirely cliche, I'm feeling like I need to "find myself", without the help of those that want to give it.

I really don't know what I want anymore, and I don't know what to do about it.

I'm sorry for rambling, and thank you for listening. As always, words of encouragement are welcome.

Round Two

So. I didn't get published this time around.

I will, however, be damned if I will let this stop me from writing.

A Slap In the Face...

Howdy.

So I ended up submitting Perfect Punctuation and Ill-Lit Morning, in case you're wondering.

I'm on Spring Break right now, and thank God. Aside from spending Monday in Chicago, I think I'll be spending most of this time curled up on the couch licking my wounds. A few posts ago I made a vague reference to a few things I was applying for that "may well come to define the rest of my college experience." Well, the one huge thing, namely, applying to be an RA, didn't work out. I didn't get a job, I got a "free agent" letter. Basically meaning I'm on call in case any openings arise. While that's good, I suppose, I was hoping for a job. I'm feeling hugely rejected and left wondering what I did wrong, or what my friends that got jobs have that I don't. I'm really trying not to let this ruin my time home, but it's hard.

What I'm saying, basically, is that I need a lot of hugs right now.

Thanks for listening,
Caity

Late Notice...

So I know this is kind of late notice, but I plan on submitting four more poems this Friday for publication. I have a few in mind already, but if anyone, again, has any suggestions, please feel free to let me know!

Thanks!

Yours,
Caity

Blast from the Past

So, I found this while going through a random notebook. I wrote it sometime last semester as a reminder to myself that I'd get through the dark times.

Dear Caitlin,

You are the most important person in your own life. You are a warm, kind, caring, loving woman. You are honest, respectful, and responsible. You are blessed. You have a family, albeit small, that loves you dearly. You have a wonderful, amazing guy - who loves you. He's smart, funny, charming, sweet, loving, caring - and he loves you.

Things have been hard lately, but keep your chin up. You're an incredibly strong person. You'll get through it, and things will get better. You just have to keep going.

Life has not given you lemons, nor roses and rainbows. Life has been hard and cruel but God has always seen you through. And He always will. You need only to put your trust in Him constantly.

Things may seem confusing, but maybe you make them harder than they should be. Events will unfold as they see fit, regardless of how you try to engineer them.

Relax. Stop worrying. The sun will rise, and the earth will still be spinning.


Thankfully, things have gotten a whole lot better.

Life

I can't remember the last time I was this happy.

Epiphany

Crack. A rush of wet sound
slicing through - between -
my ears, whistles wild.

I'm drowning from within.
How can I come up for air
when I'm filled to breaking?

Waves crash above my head,
holding me within
this watery grave.

Gasping in that rush of elsewhere
a breeze from yesterday
I long to imagine as mine.

Terrified eyes only see blue
as it swallows my lungs
while I kick for the surface.

Desperate for anything old
to suddenly become new
and worth breathing - drowning for.

Love Song

If a love song's
what you asked for,
it's the last thing
you'll receive.

I am not a currency
exchanged in
longing glances,
wilted flowers,
and stale chocolate.

I am a living, breathing,
talking, walking doll
you've built in
your own image.

While in fact
I see and hear
in colors and sounds
your frail mind
cannot comprehend.

And I seek much more
than you could
ever hope to offer
with your narrow-minded
drunken excuse of love.

So please don't
ask for, nor bother
offering any type
of love song-
You can't make me listen.

Untitled

You reach out your hand
asking for - demanding
more.
While those around you
are crushed
under the weight
of your steel-toed boots.
We hear the dull
roar of crunching
bones and moaning souls,
as you seek more,
want more,
need more,
take more.

We've created
a monster
that feeds on
our destruction.

Untitled

Wrap me in your arms,
it's cold out here.
Voices are loud and bitter
while sharp winds
bite my face.

The stars above
guide me home tonight
away from those
sneering eyes and
jealous grins.

Those faces follow me,
haunt me in my dreams,
tearing at my
limbs and soul,
you can't save me here.

Please, please, please,
shake me, wake me,
save me from them.
Wrap me in your arms,
it's cold in here.

Observations From a Not-So-Objective Viewer:

I cannot remember the last time I simply had time to sit and do nothing. Although I've done enough of it the past two weeks.

I continue to eat food that makes me sick just because it tastes good. Seriously.

I can't remember the last time I simply looked up at the stars and thought, "Wow."

I miss a good snowball fight.

I haven't been able to fall asleep the past two nights, and now that I'm exhausted, I don't want to take a nap for fear that I won't be able to sleep again.

I think I/O psychology might be my calling.

I'm really actually afraid to grow up.

I miss my old friends.

I'm much better at making plans and contemplating what it is I should be doing than following through.


I think I've become a little deluded since I've gotten to college. Perhaps deluded isn't the word I'm looking for - but let's roll with it. I'm the same as I was in high school - overachieving and super-friendly, and yet still different. I work my ass off and get the grades, get the awards and honors (I promise you, I'm not trying to brag), and I honestly have no idea what any of it's for. Why am I doing any of this? At least in high school, I could say it was because I wanted to go to a good college, or get scholarships, etc. You get the point. And now, yes, I could say that I'm doing it so I can get a good career. But where does it end? And how can I say that when I don't even know for sure what it is I want to be doing for the rest of my life?

Maybe this is just my reaction to filling out several applications for several different positions that may well come to define the rest of my college experience. As I said earlier, I really am afraid to grow up. And it appears that I am, in fact, growing up.

Yours truly,
Caity

What You Fail To See

She woke up late today,
can't get out of bed.
She's lazy, tired,
not quite worth the trying.

I heard the buzzing
screaming hissing
curse of the alarm
-hit it with my claws.

She's sick and weak,
there must be something wrong.
The dreams don't come, and
words have failed her, too.

I can't move,
can't bear to breathe,
with voices screaming in my head,
"It's better just to sleep."

Mirror Mirror

You let those feet
walk all over you,
those eyes see
right through you.
You're quiet, unassuming,
all together bland.
No one wants to be your friend,
you always go unnoticed.

I despise the way
you get the guys
and always win the race.
I wish that you would
shut your mouth and
simply see my face.

Sooo...

I decided that after two months, I should probably post something before everyone thinks I've up an ditched this blog. I promise you, I haven't!

I just haven't been feeling the writing lately. And warning, what I'm about to post is not my best work. I decided last night that I would write, and I used a textbook from a creative writing class I took two semesters ago that is full of writing exercises as the motivation for these next two.

So here goes nothing....

And by the way, rest in peace Heath Ledger. I would have never seen that one coming.